Marriage: A Lifelong Building Project

Kathleen and I have been married 65 years, and we both look upon marriage as a lifelong building project.

What exactly do married couples build into a marriage? After our decades together, here are some of our thoughts.

TRUST. We knew each other very well when, on December 20, 1947, we made lifetime pledges of love and loyalty. Mutual trust was real from the outset. But beyond engagement, marriage is a fully shared life and the mutual trust had to be applied in a whole variety of new experiences. Putting that initial trust to the test enriched it.

SHARED FAITH. For us, marriage has been a prayer-based life together. From our first days in our one-room apartment, each morning after breakfast I would read a portion of Scripture and then we both prayed, committing our precious union to the Lord. It was at first a learning experience, but a practice we have continued to this day.

FAMILY. Marriage is solid ground for the building of a family. Our daughter, Carolyn, arrived ten days before our first anniversary. We were young and declared that we would incorporate our first child into our youthful lifestyle. But reality dictated otherwise. So we reshaped our program to fit the new reality. We had now to address the task of building a family.

Eventually there were four children — Carolyn, Donald, Robert and our youngest, John David, our special needs child. For John David, family adjustments had to be made and as months rolled into years necessary changes were painful. We made them together. We would not let our heartache adversely affect the wholesome development of the three older children.

We continued to build a family with the children God had given us — enlarged over time to include our children’s spouses, grandchildren, and now great-grandchildren.

REPUTATION. Marriage is a challenge for the building of a reputation. This is unavoidable. What do growing children see from the inside? What do onlookers see from the outside? Do they all see a strong and stable marriage? Is it bound together by a durable love?

Do we continue to respect one another even in stressful times? Christian marriage is about more than personal happiness. It is also, inescapably, about building a reputation that can serve as a beacon to couples nearby who may still struggle.

AN ESTATE. Marriage involves the building of an estate. “Estate” doesn’t mean a fortune. It means whatever joint possessions have come into being through the shared work and careful accumulations of husband and wife together. Estate may be only a bungalow and a modest bank account. Or it may be additional possessions, savings and investments.

In this area, Kathleen and I build with three purposes in mind: personal security for the closing years of our lives; gifts of love to leave the children; and something to bequeath to Christian causes we have supported in life and wish to continue to support after we have gone to be with the Lord.

To think of marriage as a lifetime building project gives long-range perspective. It puts the present moment into a grander framework. And it keeps our thinking about the future unfogged by pressures that come and go in our day-to-day life together.

Motherhood and Relationships

With the approach of Mother’s Day, May 12, family relationships come up for reflection too. It’s good for a Christian congregation to isolate this noble theme, motherhood, and to set aside a special day to honor lavishly all mothers. But it is inescapably family day too.

In a sense the day will not focus only on the honorees–mothers–but also on others in relationship with them. Motherhood is a family-based title. How can we celebrate motherhood without reflecting on family?

On Mother’s Day, mothers all over this continent will be showered with beautiful cards of love. It will be the telephone company’s busiest day of the year for long distance phone calls. In our culture, mothers are super important.

And so it should be. Mothers are the bearers of the race. They suffer the not insignificant strain of carrying a baby to term. Then long before that infant can show the slightest hint of gratitude for the night time feedings, the ever-and-anon diaper changes, the soothing of fevers and healing of rashes, mother carries on with a commitment that is nothing short of heroic. She labors through sometimes sleepless nights and wearying days. She deserves more than a card or phone call; she deserves a public celebration and a big shiny medal.

But sometimes in the long process of bearing, birthing and raising a child, things go wrong. Misunderstandings crop up. Rifts form in relationships. The very children so cared for sometimes sail into their maturity feeling they have good reason to withhold notes of appreciation. On Mother’s Day mothers aplenty nurse the wounds of unrequited love.

Mother’s Day could well be the best day of the year for the healing of such wounds. It’s a family issue. An unexpected phone call, might do it, a card that counts the blessings of motherhood and forgets the long held grievances. Let the relationships long torn and left with ragged edges be healed with forgiveness.

It is the wonder of Christianity that when we ask him, God in Christ forgives us for our sins of ingratitude, our broken relationships, our real or imagined grievances. He does so by bearing those sins into oblivion on a thankless cross.

Mother’s Day would be a good day to pray for healing all across our lands. Where mothers and daughters or mothers and sons have lost precious months or years through misunderstandings may they come home to one another by means of a mighty surge of forgiveness.

So this Mother’s Day, as the phone calls flow and bouquets arrive, may Christians and non-Christians alike make it a day to pray privately for reconciliations, wherever they are needed. We dare not forget that in this situation, as in all others, the Lord Jesus Christ is the great reconciler.

It’s been said that when rifts, misunderstandings, or blunders stress an important relationship, “The first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest, the first to move forward is the happiest.”

One Lone Terrorist and the Final Judgement

At the time of writing, the 19-year-old terrorist, Dzhokhar Tzarnaev, has been moved from his hospital bed in Boston to a new location in the medical facility of a prison 40 miles west of the city.

The world looks on as this terrorist, whose ghastly schemes of destruction carried out with his older brother, now dead, killed three and wounded 174 innocent people.

The flow of media talk now shifts to speculate on the terrorist’s future. They cite the Constitution, discuss America’s judicial system, argue over the term “enemy combatant,” and weigh the legal rights of a terrorist who is also an American citizen.

This outpouring of questions will be on the public agenda for years: What will justice mean for the terrorist? For the aggrieved and wounded families? For the Country so unfeelingly violated?

Can any humanly crafted legal system, however deeply rooted in history and the Judeo-Christian moral code, and however meticulously applied, mete out an utterly adequate penalty? Or, must complete justice await the Final Judgment?

Soon after the winning of World War II, British prime minister Winston Churchill was asked about the whereabouts of Adolf Hitler, the Nazi monster who had plunged the world into war. He had disappeared. Some were saying he had fled to Argentina; others that he had killed himself (which turned out to be true).

Churchill replied that he did not know where Hitler was but he was sure he would turn up in this world or the next and would be dealt with adequately by the corresponding authorities. It was a half-facetious allusion to the Christian doctrine of a final perfect judgment for all.

A final judgment beyond time is a theme the Bible strikes often and clearly. Here’s what it says in Revelation 20: 11–15 as translated in the New Living Translation:

“And I saw a great white throne, and I saw the one who was sitting on it. The earth and sky fled from his presence, but they found no place to hide. I saw the dead, both great and small, standing before God’s throne. And the books were opened, including the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to the things written in the books, according to what they had done. The sea gave up the dead in it, and death and the grave gave up the dead in them. They were all judged according to their deeds. And death and the grave were thrown into the lake of fire. This is the second death – the lake of fire. And anyone whose name was not found recorded in the Book of Life was thrown into the lake of fire” (Rev. 20: 11-15).

It’s a grim picture. Any unbeliever who reads and ponders this prophecy with any degree of seriousness would surely quake. When Christians read it they crowd up to Christ Jesus, their Savior. The reason: By his ignominious death on a Roman cross he paid the full penalty for every believer. He is their Advocate and their at-one-ment (atonement) with God.

But for Christians there is another aspect to that Great Day. The Apostle Paul wrote to Christians in Rome, “For we (Christians) will all stand before God’s judgment seat” (Rom. 14:10b; also 2 Cor. 5:10) Although Christ assures our entrance into the heavenly kingdom, the redeemed must give an account for the quality of life we have lived for him in the power of the Spirit while on earth.

For example, we will be judged on our loyalty to his cause (Lk 11:23), our obedience to his commands (Jn 14:15), our fruitfulness in holiness (Jn 15:5), and our love for our brothers and sisters in the faith (1 Jn 2:10).

As evil as the 19-year-old terrorist has been, and whatever penalty he receives in this world, we pray that he –and all of his victims– will have had an encounter in this life with Jesus that will bring mercy in the world to come. And we live each day in gratitude that God has offered this same mercy to us.

An Evening at the Seminary

For Kathleen and me, one of our greatest delights is our twice-yearly visits with a class of seminarians at Northeastern Seminary in Rochester, New York. We are just back from the Spring visit.

During our time together there were 15 in Professor Elizabeth Gerhardt’s classroom plus another 10 in a room in Buffalo participating in discussions via a 2-way audio-video feed.

So, why our visit? It’s generally expected that trained pastors have a deep personal faith, a working knowledge of the Bible and social skills that are at least above average. But there is much more involved in effective pastoring.

My assignment was to deal with some of these additional, nuanced aspects of the pastoral life from the perspective of a longtime practitioner. In these visits I use materials I have written over a period of time and have recently put into the book, THE PASTOR’S FIRST LOVE.

For example, on this visit, along with other subjects I dealt with “The Seven Characteristics of the Effective Pastor.” My use of the word “effective” rather than “successful” was intentional. Success can often be reduced to numbers. That is not bad, and no pastor worth his or her salt is without the growth urge that can reflect itself in numbers.

But the word “effective” has a greater depth to it. For example, a pastor who is effective in ministering to a grieving family may not add numbers to the membership rolls in doing so but will nurture health in the grieving process and bring consolation to the whole congregation. That is “effective” pastoring.

Another of the seven characteristics of the effective pastor is personal integrity. Integrity doesn’t come easily and it is not always full blown upon one’s conversion. But during seminary days and beyond under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, through an honest and consistent prayer life, and perhaps with additional input from a caring, perceptive professor or parishioner, a pastor’s integrity can be broadened and deepened.

The greater the congregation’s belief in the deep honesty of a pastor in the give and take of daily life, the more responsive they are to receive his preaching and teaching as from the Lord.

Additional characteristics we talked together about are wise management of the family, good care of one’s dwelling, the skilful and restrained management of money and even good judgment about dress, especially when on duty.

It was the subject of the pastor’s attire that raised the greatest response. There were two who spoke for casual attire in the pulpit (“I don’t like ties”). It’s a controverted subject not yet settled. I believe that divine worship may be somewhat informal in style but it can never be casual.

It is the triune God we worship – Father, Son and Holy Spirit – the God before whom Abraham bowed with his face to the ground. The awe and humility that such a vision inspires cannot be casual.

Kathleen and I love our times with seminarians. That’s because for many years, we have carried a growing passion for the increase in numbers of effective pastors.

Our visits prompt us to join congregations everywhere in prayers that God will raise up a new generation of candidates for ministry who will study hard to become godly and competent pastors!

A Tribute to a Noble Life Not Yet Fully Lived

I delivered my last Bible study here at Light and Life Park in Florida this past Sunday night, and Kathleen and I and our daughter, Carolyn, are now packing to leave for points north on Thursday morning, April 11.

The pastor of Light and Life Park where we spend our winters, Reverend John Hendricks, is about to retire after 58 continuous years in pastoral ministry. He will preach his retirement sermon on April 28.

I have long considered the pastorate a high and holy calling, and John Hendricks is a prime example of a life’s response to that calling. He has lived it out week in and week out, in honorable fashion for such a long spread of time.

Because Kathleen and I will not be present for his last Sunday, I shared with the congregation at the outset of my evening Bible study last evening the following tribute:

Not only does Pastor John manifest nobility and faithfulness as a pastor, but he is also, by the grace of God, the most multi-talented pastor I have known. He could have chosen any one of several careers. For example, he could have been a teacher of English, sharing freely with college classes his love for words and his mastery of language. He could have chosen a career in music, either as a performer or a director, and his inborn vocal talent and musical soul would have served his audiences well.

He could have been a thespian; his marvelous memory would have made him equal to the challenge of many roles. He could even have been a comedian, using his wit, his comedic flare and his natural sense of timing to delight audiences near and far.

But, by the grace of God, and in the mystery of that grace, during his early youth John responded instead to an inward call of God to the pulpit and the parish. In so doing, under the Spirit’s anointing he made the above combination of gifts the servants of the Gospel to congregations for a lifetime.

While for various reasons other ministers have sometimes shifted to other assignments, he has stayed and shared this set of gifts with local congregations of the Church of Jesus Christ across a pastoral lifetime. In doing so he has blessed more souls than we can number.

Now, we will follow him and his wife Bobbie with our prayers as they look forward to opening the next chapter of their life together. May they enjoy the provident care of a God who has blessed them to date in abundant ministry. And by the same grace that drew John to the pastoral life, and Bobbie with him, may our Lord favor him with continuing opportunities to use his gifts to the extent his passions prompt and his strength allows.

Benediction: May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all. Amen!

Living the Fulfilled Life

At some time in the past I ran across a description of the three ingredients for personal fulfillment: (1) someone to love; (2) something to do; and (3) something to look forward to.

Someone to love.

For Christians, “the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who is given to us” (Rom. 5:5). We don’t deserve this love; it is a gift to be shared. If we lack a sense of joy and fulfillment, we might look into this realm of our lives for deficiency.

Something to do.

Fulfilled people are serving people. When Lila Morgan retired from a teaching career she asked me, her pastor, for the names of a few shut-in seniors she could take the Sunday School papers to each Monday. She took that short list, enlarged it, and made it into a weekly ministry. She not only visited seniors, she took some to the grocery store and then drove them with their groceries back to their homes. If we are discontented, we can ask, is there a something-to-do deficiency (to-do especially for others) that might be the answer?

Something to look forward to.

Many things we look forward to on our horizons may be in the realm of the mundane – an upcoming vacation, the visit of distant family members, the completion of a college degree, or even the blossoming of the first daffodil in the spring. But much above the mundane, Christians can look forward to the day when Jesus comes and all hurts are healed and all wrongs righted. Something thrilling to anticipate!

It is clear that we are all responsible to some degree for providing the ingredients for our own fulfillment: to actively choose to love, to do, and to hope.

Is Marriage Redefined Still Marriage?

As I write, the Supreme Court of the United States of America is in session. Inside the building there is lively legal engagement; outside there are emotionally charged demonstrations. The court is hearing arguments on two issues, both having to do directly or indirectly with whether to extend the traditional and historic definition of marriage so as to include legal unions between couples of the same sex.

In writing this blog, I take no issue with homosexuals. They are God’s creatures as I am. I may disagree with them at points that, I believe, raise an issue of truth, but this is not out of personal animosity. I only take issue here with the idea of attempting to change the nature of marriage.

I believe that in the light of this mounting debate, and possible outcomes, Christians young and old must think hard and speak up, showing that they are serious about what is going on.

The divine commandment, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your … mind” is certainly relevant here.

There are two major reasons for Christians to stand on the side of history. First, nature itself has decreed from time immemorial that marriage is a heterosexual union of two persons — male and female.

Also, human anatomy is designed for heterosexual marriage. Humans are the only vertebrates that face each other in the act of love. This too is an unarguable fact of nature. To both of these reasons, add that the procreation of human life is the potential outcome of heterosexual marriage. Nature speaks clearly on that point too.

Second, God’s inspired book, the Bible, gives ample support to this reality. We accept it as revelation. Christians who are not already convinced should be searching out these truths.

Basically is marriage to remain what it has always been: a union of two persons of opposite genders — male and female?

Or is marriage just a social and legal agreement between two persons who have strong feelings for one another, whether of the opposite or same sex? To answer yes, is to disregard the decrees of human anatomy, human history and divine revelation.

What confusion that would introduce. What beauty and mystery it would eclipse. Fortunately, reality cannot be changed by human votes or judicial decrees.

Young Christians everywhere should be encouraged to think biblically and deeply on this issue. Christian convictions about the boundaries of marriage should be rooted in the opening two chapters of the Bible (Gen. 1,2) and in the affirming of these chapters by none other than the Lord Jesus himself (Matt. 19:1-9)

If the call to cancel marriage as it has always been understood in favor of a growing variety of relationships starting with same-sex unions, may it never be said that the Christian community, especially among the young, lacked the moral and mental vigor to make its voice heard.

Book update: My new book The Pastor’s First Love is now available to pre-order on Amazon:

Amazon US:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Pastors-First-Love-Calling/dp/1927483468/

Amazon Canada:
http://www.amazon.ca/Pastors-First-Love-Essays-Calling/dp/1927483468/

Amazon UK:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Pastors-First-Love-Calling/dp/1927483468/