Speaking up for Marriage

Concerning “marriage” there are several viewpoints swirling about these days speaking to the question of how humans should be linked in a union that is both intimate and permanent: one male/one female; same-sex union; living common law; a binding union involving more than two; and so forth. To which arrangement should we attach the word, marriage?

The subject is contentious and the debate goes on. I want to pare the question down to a fine point: from a Christian point of view, what constitutes marriage?

The reason I raise the question is that although most Christians know the answer in a sort of intuitive way, all too few can give a Scripturally structured answer. As a result, in this ongoing critical debate about what constitutes marriage, the Christian voice is more muted than it needs to be.

I realize that what I write here will not be convincing to those who reject the Christian Scriptures. But there is a vast reservoir of people in western culture — inside and outside the church — who still believe at some level that the Bible is authoritative and contains the word of truth on the subject: what constitutes marriage?

For them, here is a three-part answer:

First we look at the Genesis account of creation, where marriage was established. Next we look at the words of Jesus, who validated the creation account. Finally, we consult the apostles who together with our Lord also put the creation account before the developing church.

The first chapter of the Bible tells us that God created everything that exists. The account climaxes with this forceful word — creation — repeated three times: “So God created man in his own image,/ in the image of God he created him;/ male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27).

The very next verse commands “Be fruitful and multiply” suggesting that males and females in God-ordained union have a special assignment in life, the procreation (creating in God’s behalf) of all human life.

The second chapter of Genesis follows with the well-known story of Adam and Eve. The Lord God sees that Adam is lonely and so Eve is his special provision to meet that need, while providing companionship for both.

This incomparable story concludes with what seems like an editorial conclusion: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

Clearly, marriage is the “one flesh” union of the two genders — one man and one woman. Only by that union can new life be brought into being in full accordance with the Creator’s will.

Thus, marriage belongs to the orders of creation — a point which Christians dare not brush lightly aside!

Second, we have the response Jesus gave to questions thrown at him by some pharisees. They wanted him to respond to the teachings of earlier rabbis on a marriage issue. Instead, Jesus pointed them back to the story of creation as given in the Bible’s opening book.

“Haven’t you read,” he asked, “that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female?” (Genesis 1:4). He added, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:5).

Third, to the words of the creation account and the words of Jesus we add the words of the apostles written to the developing New Testament church. In speaking of domestic order as one of the fruits of the gospel, Paul adds the same verse from Genesis 2:24: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).

In defining the essential nature of marriage, the term “one flesh” does not vary in these three passages of Scripture. Thus, in human experience, “one flesh” in all its dimensions can only be fully experienced by the union of one man and one woman.
So, in Christian circles, believers young and old, single and married must ask as though for the first time: Does marriage have God-ordained boundaries? Must it be a union between one man and one woman? If so, by extension, it cannot be open to any other humanly devised connection.

If all Bible believers on this continent would embrace afresh this revealed truth and then speak up for it with confidence but without rancor, it seems to me that that would be the most powerful influence imaginable in winning the debate and sustaining the definition for marriage as the union of one man and one woman for life.

Why Stand for Real Marriage?

Why do Bible-believing Christians oppose same-sex marriage? Is it because they are bigoted, or afraid of change? Or is there another substantial reason the wider culture does not yet grasp?

To understand their conviction one must recognize the authority Christians give the Bible. Thereafter, consider what they read in its very first chapter. It says God created everything that exists, and here’s the pinnacle of that story: “So God created man in his own image,/ in the image of God he created him;/ male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27).

Up to this point, same-sex marriage advocates might see no problem. But The Bible’s second chapter follows with the story of Adam and Eve. This says that God instituted male/female marriage. Then it closes with this editorial note: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

From there, for all Bible readers the narrative darkens. The third chapter of Genesis reports Adam and Eve’s disobedience and its dire consequences. They and their descendants must live under the curse of their sin.

Chapter 4 reports their descendant, Lamech, “married two women” (Genesis 4:19). This veers from God’s plan and with the introduction of bigamy the distortion of marriage is shown to invade ancient culture. Even Abraham, the father of the faithful, had children by two women, his wife Sarah and her maidservant, Hagar (Genesis 16).

And Abraham’s grandson, Jacob, in accommodation to culture was tricked into marrying two sisters and eventually had children by them and their two maidservants (Genesis 29:31-30:23). The stories show the hurtful consequences – family strife, jealousy, and bargaining for sleeping rights.

All the while, Genesis repeatedly holds up the standard of “one man and one woman for life.” For example, although Pharaoh of Egypt did not belong to the chosen people, he was aware that it was wrong to invade the sanctity of another man’s marriage (Genesis 12:10-20). The same was so of Abimelech, a heathen ruler in the southern regions of Philistia where Abraham and his retinue had settled for a period of time (Genesis 20).

Through the story of Sodom, the Genesis account speaks to homosexual practice where marriage was not only disregarded but where the very idea of heterosexual love was perverted: men, with no interest in women, sought sexual satisfaction with men – and did so violently. The cost for this abandonment to sexual perversion was eventually a divine judgment by fire. (Genesis 19:1-28).

Genesis closes with the story of Joseph a Hebrew alien in Egypt. He had no family to support him and no faith community to guide him. His master’s wife tried repeatedly to draw him into a sexual liaison. He steadfastly refused, asking his temptress, “How then could I do such a thing and sin against God?” (Genesis 39: 6-20).

Thus, this opening book of the Bible portrays the distorting influence of sin on God’s revealed provision of monogamous marriage. Genesis reports polygamy, adultery, incest, promiscuity and homosexuality in a variety of ways. But it does not lose sight of God’s original intent — one man and one woman by God’s design in covenant with him and each other, for life.

So, how does our Lord Jesus Christ treat Genesis, this fifty-chapter account of God’s divine intent and man’s unfaithfulness?

On one occasion, when the Pharisees sought to corner him on the controversial issue of divorce, his answer reached back across the Old Testament Scriptures to their first references to marriage.

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one” (Matthew 19:5).

For Jesus, and all who follow him, marriage from the beginning of creation was meant to involve one man and one woman for life. It is for this substantially stronger reason that Bible-believing Christians stand firm.

They believe that to corrupt or distort marriage into something it was not intended to be can only invite human distress and the judgment of God. To stand staunchly for marriage as God ordained it, they believe, is to stand for what God, himself, intended! Truth!

Marriage: A Christian Perspective

I once met a minister who did not believe in officiating at the weddings of unbelievers.  He thought his position was  biblical. (Marrying a believer to an unbeliever is a different matter (2 Cor. 6:14-18).

His position was sincere but thoughtful Christians must disagree. Why? Because marriage is not exclusively for Christians. It is the gift of a loving God to the human race.  This is clear from the fact that the Bible introduces us to  marriage within the biblical account of creation (Gen. 2).

Chapter one of Genesis gives the general, all-inclusive creation account, which comes to its climax in the formation of mankind as male and female (Gen 1:26,27).

Then chapter two focuses on the story of Adam and Eve.  They were created uniquely for each other, introduced to one another by the Lord God, and granted a natural, intimate and enduring union in what the passage refers to as a “one flesh” relationship.

In fact the account ends with an editorial note the narrator applies to all: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

All of this was before man’s fall into sin as reported in Genesis 3.  Therefore we regard marriage as belonging to the order of creation.  Call the story of Adam and Eve the prototype of all marriages as God originally intended.

However, “the fall of man” changed the narrative profoundly, as described in Genesis 3.  The evidence that this is so is seen across the whole of the Scriptures. In Genesis 4, Lamech, the son of murderous Cain, took two wives, and in doing so violated God’s holy design (Gen. 4:19).  Jacob had two wives plus two of his wives’ maids so the 12 patriarchs of Israel were sons of four mothers but one father.  Solomon outdid them all by taking to himself  700 wives and 300 concubines.

These violations of the Lord God’s original provision — and many more like them — are not reported in the Scriptures to suggest God’s approval of or even his indifference to the strange twists fallen man had taken but to report accurately on the consequences of sin and to set forth clearly mankind’s great need for redemption.

In Israel’s history, prophet after prophet prophesied against the Northern and Southern kingdoms’ immorality in violating the institution of marriage.  God’s people went astray in getting rid of wives for frivolous reasons (Mal. 2:14), marrying pagan wives (Ezra 10:18ff.), and becoming involved in adulteries, thus repeatedly violating their pledges of faithfulness (Exodus 20:14; 2 Samuel 11).

But the call to marital love grounded in faithfulness to one spouse never disappears from the Scriptures.  The prophets do a daring thing.  They use marriage as a metaphor for God’s relationship to his people (Isaiah 54:5-8, 10; 62:5).  He chides his people as a violated husband might chide an unfaithful wife but he reaches toward them with steadfast or covenant love (Hosea 14:4).

This becomes — forever for God’s people of all ages — a call to faithfulness and compassion in marriage.  Israel is to be a model to the surrounding peoples in this regard.

The picture is similar in the New Testament.  The pagan world was filled with infidelity, fornication and many sexual irregularities (Rom. 1:21-32; 1 Cor. 6:9-11).  There was great disorder in the domestic life of the city of Corinth which the Apostle Paul had to address in his letter to the  Corinthian church (1 Cor.7).  And even some of the Pharisees had veered sharply from the standards of their Divine Law in following the school of Hillel.  His teaching during the previous century was that divorce was allowable for almost any reason.  For example, a wife who burned the food was in peril of being cast off.

It was this conflict between God’s creational plan regarding marriage, and sin’s corruptions of his design that brought a group of Pharisees into conflict with Jesus (Matt. 19:1-12).  They pressed him to take a side.  Instead, he referred them back to the account of Adam and Eve.  “Haven’t you read,” he asked, “that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female (Gen. 1:26, 27)?  He followed to pronounce marriage as a “one flesh” relationship just as it had been designed to be at the beginning (Gen. 2:24).

I always feel the solemnity of the moment during a wedding when after I have administered the vows I add, “Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man put asunder.”  These are the very words of Jesus given in Matthew 19.  They are his affirmation and command regarding monogamous marriage between a man and a woman, added to his reference to the timeless account of Adam and Eve.

May the words of our Lord be held sacred by his church everywhere in the 21st Century!

Marriage: “It is what it is”

“It is what it is.” This is an increasingly common cliché one is likely to hear among workers in the business world or especially among competing athletes.

The quarterback fumbles the ball and the team loses 20 yards. Is he supposed to doubt and demean himself as he returns to the line? He is supposed to say to himself, “It is what it is.” That is, what has happened can’t be changed. Having said that he is to clear his mind for the next play.

The cliché is used properly when it describes some unalterable reality in life. An apple is an apple. It is what it is. That fact stands; it can’t be an orange even if there are those who would like to call it an orange.

Can this reality apply to marriage? I recently heard a politician stumping for votes while defending his pro-marriage stance. His argument was based on the long-accepted definition of marriage: the union of one man and one woman for life. In the flow of his speech he said of marriage: “It is what it is.” His unapologetic statement argued that as far back as human history can be known the view held virtually universally is the view he himself holds.

We regularly speak of the “institution” of marriage. That means that when a man and woman stand before a minister or a justice of the peace to exchange marital vows they are not there to create something new. They are entering into something that already has existed from time immemorial. Couples were married by committing to the same realities long before these two were born. That’s why we call marriage an “institution”. It is what it is.

Marriage is a covenanted relationship between two sexually complementary persons. It is an all-embracing, organic union, conjugal by very nature. There is no other human joining to compare with it. It is a connection intended to be fulfilled by the procreation of children and by the giving to those children the stability and strength of that union. Also, in doing so it is to add its strength to the cohesion and health of society and state. Marriage is what it is.

So, is it not arrogant to argue that this unique human connectedness should be violated by the unraveling of its natural boundaries to accommodate the inclusion of something in essence fundamentally unlike it?

This is not to say that same sex partnerships cannot be formed legally. In a democratic society same-sex couples are permitted to seal their commitments to each other in legal ways. Under these legal arrangements, they may be free to live together and share financial goals, or pursue joint social relationships. But same-sex couples cannot be conjugal nor bring forth children. In claiming to be married they are not redefining marriage; nor are they enlarging its boundaries; they are destroying its historical uniqueness. Marriage is what it is.

The time has come for Christians everywhere to get better hold on these truths and to be prepared to express them as opportunities present themselves. Marriage is under attack from several quarters.

On the one hand, the silence of millions of Christians would be a great aid to the enemies of marriage and to the disordering of marriage itself. On the other, speaking up to say that for the above reasons “marriage is what it is” gives believers a positive voice in the struggle. Only by widespread engagement will the battle now raging be won.

Same-Sex “Marriage”?

On June 24 of this year, the New York State Senate passed a bill making same-sex “marriage” legal. It was not broad public demand that did it. Consider:

* On the day of the vote, citizens stood at at least one major intersection holding signs calling for motorists to honk if they favored traditional marriage. Heard on television, the constant blare of horns gave clear response.

* A month later, on the day same-sex “marriages” were first officially performed, an estimated 10,000 protesters marched in New York City to show support for traditional marriage. There were marches also in Buffalo, Albany, Rochester and Syracuse.

Although this legislative action in one of the largest states could make it appear that American society is swinging toward the full acceptance of homosexual “marriage” there is, in fact, broad rejection.

In the 31 States where the people have voted yes or no on gay “marriage” it has been roundly defeated. According to the Alliance Defense Fund a recent poll shows that 62 percent of Americans believe marriage should continue to be reserved for one man and one woman.

Same-sex “marriage” is legal in only six states. In five of these states, the state legislators, not the populace, initiated the law. In Iowa it was imposed by judges, several of whom were later removed by recall votes.

It is time for those of us who support traditional marriage to deepen our understanding of why traditional marriage has been the virtual standard for all of human history. It is only in recent times that a small but determined minority has committed itself to extend the definition.

Traditional marriage is an objective relationship between one man and one woman, suited physically by nature itself. Marriage in this way is unique within the human race. It is a relationship both consummated and nurtured by conjugal intimacy. To try to graft onto this term a same-sex relationship is to create confusion. The two relationships are so fundamentally different that they cannot realistically take the same name.

Some argue that the exclusion of the one from the other is a denial of human rights. But don’t all laws exclude? “Only swimmers wearing life jackets may enter this pool.”

Can’t humans create common bonds legally in a variety of ways? These possibilities are open to same-sex couples who wish to live in a socially recognized relationship. And matters such as insurance and hospital visitation rights can be worked out in keeping with this alternate arrangement. But there should be different names for such relationships because the relationships are fundamentally different from traditional marriage.

The covenanted union of traditional marriage is a benefit in two major ways: the intimacy of heterosexual love is mutually enriching to the two, and the blessing of likely procreation perpetuates and blesses the race. Same-sex connections cannot produce offspring in a biological way and this distinction is vital.

Some say that traditional marriage is a construct of religion. It is true that it is largely embraced by all major religions. But that is because heterosexual marriage is inherent to humanity and the major religions recognize this. This is also made clear by divine revelation as recorded in Scripture. In that sense, religion may factor in.

Jews and Christians, for example, find in their Scriptures a comprehensive ground to support the traditional view. Positive and negative implications of marriage are worked out thoroughly in their pages. But consider this as a simple outline:

(1) The story of Adam and Eve is at the headwaters of the Scriptures (Genesis 2:23,24). It belongs with the story of creation. There, marriage is instituted by God for the well-being of mankind.

(2) Then, in the Gospels, when Jesus is asked a leading question about marriage, he refers his critics to that very story of Adam and Eve (Matthew 19:3-12).

(3) Later when the Apostle Paul addressed the Ephesian church about the nature of marriage, he too supports his instructions by citing the account of Adam and Eve (Ephesians 5: 21-6:4).

This debate is crucial to western culture. As it goes forward, which side will have the deeper understanding of the issues and the stronger will to prevail? Will it be those who stand for marriage in its traditional sense or those who want marriage expanded to include same-sex relationships?

There is good reason to be involved in the issue for who can fathom how much may hang on the answer to this question?

But Where is the Person Who Matches My List?

Last week I wrote about using good judgment in finding a marriage partner by developing an internal “list” of criteria. The responses I got were interesting. One reader suggested that I write another blog, this time suggesting where to find a man who meets the criteria:

My “criteria” last week included (1) Genuine Christian faith (2) Good family background (3) Dependable character (4) Pleasant disposition and (5) Talent and resources for marriage.

The reader’s suggestion may have intimated that men who meet such standards just don’t exist, or are already taken.

Perhaps it is easier to make the list than to find the person. He may not turn up “across a crowded room” as the romance-prone might wish. On the other hand, he may materialize in an unexpected place, like the case of the shy building supervisor who was sent by his boss into a community to supervise the building of a new church and ended up marrying the preacher’s daughter.

Yet my reader’s suggestion deserves some thought. Where are the men of strength and vision? Men who are eager to shoulder the challenge of marriage and eventually experience the drill of parenthood? Too many may have been acculturated away from such a vision.

So is the Internet the new directory? A pastor friend tells me that over a period of time he coached ten couples who had met through Christian Internet dating services. He had the privilege of serving as counselor to them as the relationships developed. Then he officiated at their weddings. Some time later, he reports that all ten couples remain together and are doing well.

The Internet as the source to find one’s life partner carries some risks. Thus, it was wise for the couples just mentioned to include Christian counsel and support until a real and deserving trust has been developed — a forerunner to real love.

It is still possible that not only the Internet, but equally or more so one’s “socialnet” can be a resource. I learned in Japan that both young men and women who consider themselves ready for marriage openly make their wishes known to their counselor. In Christian circles it is usually their pastor. Then the counselor begins the search. We may think that could never work here because our culture is individualistic and each person must launch his or her own search.

The facts don’t support that. I read recently that 60% of relationships that lead to marriages in America come about with the assistance of friends or associates who introduced the couple or otherwise expedited their meeting.

Awaiting that possible boost, what can those do who are single but hopeful for marriage? Always keep the hope of marriage alive in your heart, but continue to do now what you believe God has called you into this world to do. Live out your life as a vocation. Serve. Be where other people near your age gather – at church, in Bible study, service projects, at camps, at retreats, on mission trips, etc. Be fun to be around. Be a happy friend and hope for a happy friendship that might lead to a romantic commitment.

But, remember that for all of us – married or single — doing God’s will is our first assignment in life. And pray only that whatever might develop somewhere along the road will be marked in your heart as God’s will. Paul writes to “test and approve what God’s will is – his good pleasing and perfect will” (Rom. 12:2b). Elsewhere he exhorts, “find out what pleases the Lord” (Eph. 5:10).

For Christians, there’s one thing worse than being unwillingly single and that is being willingly married in a risky relationship outside the will of God.

Finding a Love That Lasts a Lifetime

I visited Mrs. Faudi in her hospital room. Because she was in the first bed as I entered, I stood with my back to the door. Our brief conversation was low-keyed and pleasant. But, suddenly she looked past me and I saw her eyes light up. I turned to see that her husband had just entered the room. It was obvious that this was the visit she was waiting for and that the fires of love still burned in their hearts.

The Faudis were retired farmers who had recently moved to town. Mrs. Faudi was slight and looked frail and ashen in her hospital bed. Mr. Faudi was a slender man, and both had weather-beaten features reflecting long years of toil on the land. But in that exchange of looks, something flamed up, the indicator of a loving bond that must have renewed itself again and again over more than fifty years of marriage.

I recall that moment sometimes when I read of the attack on marriage so common and intense in our post-modern culture. I hear this often: sack it; live together without it; let’s hear it for “open marriage” where vows are taken that allow latitude for trysts with other partners; why not same-sex marriages or even several partners at the same time? Regarding this evolving effort to blur the boundaries, we haven’t heard it all yet.

In our fallen world there can be no complete assurance that a Christian covenanted marriage will be everything God intended it to be. But recalling that moment in the hospital room makes me want to point out to young people some ways to greatly increase the likelihood.

I’m all for romance! But when pondering the suitability of a mate, romantic feelings are not enough. There is a “judgment” aspect to choosing a life partner that must not be neglected. For example, it should be asked: Do we share a common faith and is it genuine on the part of both partners? Sometimes it is necessary to seek Christian counsel on this specific matter to help us see past our romantic feelings. After all, for good reason the Bible clearly forbids an “unequal yoke” (2 Cor. 6:14-7:1).

Is the love we profess unconditional? That is, do we intend from the depths of our beings to make this marriage “until death us do part?” Or are there unacknowledged reservations that we are keeping out of sight? There is a quality of commitment which when held by both partners gives a basis for working through all sorts of struggles and reverses that arise along the path.

There is also a sort of pre-wedding dreaminess that can threatens the likelihood of long-term love: One might say: “I’ll fix that when we’re married (sometimes it’s I’ll fix him/her);” Or, “I’m going ahead because this may be my last chance;” Or even, “I see some developing storm clouds but they will go away by themselves if I pay no attention; right now I have to think about a great wedding; I’ll think about a great marriage later.”

Couples like the Faudis – and I’ve known a lot of them across a lifetime – stand as a constant testimony that in the realm of matrimony there is a love that can last a lifetime.

But I also know that that kind of marriage doesn’t just happen. In my opinion, the most successful marriages in Christian circles are characterized by a deep and mutual faith in God, a romantic flair that makes the very countenance glow, and a grounding in judgment that launches the enterprise thoughtfully and with integrity, keeping it on track.

About Companionship in Marriage

He’s nearly a hundred years old and he has a girlfriend. They don’t go on trips together; they don’t smooch; but they meet regularly to enjoy each other’s company. It’s definitely a mellowed version of the male/female attraction God has built into all of us.

And it’s not uncommon. I recall seeing this attraction in another elderly couple several years ago. Each had earlier lost a life’s mate. They were both frail, but they held hands as they walked together, and they smiled easily at one another. No marriage was in the offing, but the charm of it all warmed the hearts of their friends.

It’s an amazing magnetism. The deepest bond between the sexes, the bond that can sustain a relationship through all of life’s seasons, lasting a lifetime, is a companionship bond. It is deeper and even more enduring than the sexual bond that seals the union — as binding as that bond is.

This companionship aspect isn’t always fully perceived by us when we are young. We are keenly aware of the sexual energies with which God has endowed us, and these are a compelling reality. But, is there more? Genesis 2 closes the story of Adam and Eve, with this editorial word: “… a man will leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24).

“One flesh” in this case implies more than sexual union, even though sexual union is included. At the outset of the story God gives his reason for providing Adam a suitable helper: “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Gen. 2:18). The sexual differentiation (male/female) God was promising in that moment was first for companionship. It was to be a heaven-sent antidote to Adam’s loneliness.

This provision must surely be a major reason the Scriptures forbid the marriage of believers to unbelievers. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers,” Paul wrote the Corinthian Christians (2 Cor. 6:14). He asks, “What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?” (2 Cor. 6:15b). The Scriptures always call us to loyalty to the Lord first. But, for those who marry, they also call us to companionship in the Lord.

Who of us has not seen a young wife sit alone in church Sunday after Sunday. Her husband is off fishing or riding his motorcycle or at home reading his sports magazines. Romance may have drawn them together, a lavish wedding may have been celebrated, but the spiritual union a marriage should provide is missing.

On the other hand, who of us has not known a couple whose shared love for the Lord enhanced every other aspect of their love. I recall a young couple I sat with at their dining room table as I led the husband to faith in Jesus. Days later his wife told me, “I loved him before but now I love him so much I could hug him to pieces.” The missing strand, a union in Christ, had been added.

Christian young people anticipating marriage should often be reminded of this: One of the greatest testimonies the church can give to a secular world — a world in which too many marriages suffer from weak or defective bonds — is the presence of radiant Christian married couples. They should be couples of all ages who show by their joy in one another the riches of a companionship rooted in a shared love for Christ. Didn’t Jesus say to his disciples, “You are the light of the world”?

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Countering the Divorce Scourge: Part 2

When one has a close-up look at the price many pay for the dissolution of a marriage, divorce can be accurately called a modern scourge. My last counseling contact before leaving the pastorate years ago to answer my church’s call to denominational leadership was with a woman who was not a member of the church but had been sent to me by her friends who were.

She reported that her husband had recently shocked her with the unexpected announcement that he didn’t want to be married to her any longer. No reason was given other than that. Divorce proceedings were immediately underway. Since that day, she had lost more than 40 pounds, and even with her doctor’s help she could not seem to stop the loss.

My conviction is that the great number of congregations across the whole spectrum of Christian faith across this land should be the first line of defense against this scourge. In that connection, in my first instalment I spoke in favor of the empowered pulpit to lay the groundwork for the life of the congregation on this issue. Following closely on that I added the Sunday School or the small group ministry to engage young and old alike with biblical truths that support marriage and family life. Here are three additional suggestions.

III. GODLY EXAMPLE and / or TESTIMONIALS. If there is a couple in the church who have been married 50 or more years and who still manifest a gentle love for each other, why not a five-minute interview as a part of a Sunday morning or evening service? This could be done at least twice a year. But such interviews should be rehearsed ahead of time so the couple knows what questions to expect. An unplanned interview may be worse than none at all. For sure, school-aged children should be present because the seeds of successful matrimony are planted early.

IV. WEEKEND RETREATS. Good things happen when young couples are taken away for a well-planned weekend retreat, undergirded with prayer. The same can be said for teenagers or single young professionals. Outdoor activities, some competitive games, good food, laughter, and an effective Bible teacher can be used of God to give fresh insight, prompt repentance where needed, renew hope, and set some who attend on a whole new course.

For small churches this may require a joint effort involving several regional churches. Whether for couples or teenagers or any other group in the church, a well prepared weekend away usually proves worth the effort and can be made to reinforce biblical truths bearing on the crucial but troubled domestic issues of modern life.

V. COUNSELING. The kind of ministries I’ve set forth are sure to bring forward needs that require counseling. It can be assumed that there are troubled couples in every congregation who are looking carefully to see who they might be able to talk to, whether a pastor or staff person or even a respected older lay person. I can’t forget the layperson who said to me, “I’ve watched you for eight years to decide whether I could talk to you.”

There are also couples in every congregation who can be carefully screened and equipped to give elemental help to those in marital difficulty. One pastor reported that when he divided his congregation into small groups the personal requests for his counsel diminished. It seemed that some people began to get the help needed in the intimacy and trust of small groups.

There are perils in concentrating on marriage and family ministry in a particular church. The congregation should have a clear focus but should not become a one-ministry church. For example, singles in the congregation, of whom the number is growing everywhere, must be ministered to in appropriate ways or they may come to feel like “second class citizens.” And those who have had a failed marriage, or are single parents, must not get any sense that they are being pushed to the sidelines for the same reason.

Even so, marriage and family are under such attack at this time in history that local congregations should be aware of the high priority need to serve and support the family.

The point is that the resources of the congregation should be marshalled to counter the divorce scourge and hold up the standard of marriage as a gift from God to be nurtured and, when necessary, healed. When this is done with devotion and in the power of God’s Mighty Spirit, the life of the whole congregation should feel the health-giving effect.

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Countering the Divorce Scourge: Part 1

During one week a month ago, I received three telephone calls from men who were being carried along unwillingly to a divorce they did not want. All three candidly admitted that to one degree or another their negligence was a factor. The three were not connected with one another in any way, and so far as I know they were not aware of one another.

Each was in deep distress. A harsh new reality had broken upon them in full force when the divorce papers were served. And all three seemed ready to fight for the recovery of the marriage though they each feared that their marriage might be beyond saving.

Three such calls within a single week bring home to me how pervasive divorce is in our culture. And they remind me yet again how painful it is to dissolve a marriage. But they have also made me reflect on the church’s calling in helping to reduce the number of dissolved marriages by fostering healthy marriages within a domestically healthy congregation.

There are congregations that are accepting this mandate. But I believe many more should self-consciously do so. In fact, thousands of Christian congregations on this continent are still in the position to be the front line defenders and protectors of the institution of marriage.

What can these congregation do to develop a sub-culture in which marriage continues to be held in honor while some among them who have experienced the dissolution of their marriage through unfaithfulness, desertion, or some other cause are being ministered to? Can marriage be affirmed and individuals whose marriages have failed find real healing within a loving congregation? If so, how?

I. SERMONS. The Lord’s people must never underestimate the power of their pulpits. Every great Christian forward movement in history has been advanced by empowered preaching. If sermons are mined from the deep veins of the Scriptures, are well prepared, seriously undergirded by prayer, and preached with passion, they have the capability, under God, of strongly reinforcing human marital commitments.

But one sermon a year will not be enough. If we will allow them, the Scriptures will bring us often to some aspect of this truth about marriage and family. However unrelated to marriage they may seem on the surface, sermons on God’s covenant love in Christ, the grace of loving relationships, the power of forgiving and being forgiven, the grace of putting others first, repentance, bearing one another’s burdens, etc., — all such anointed sermons will have a substantial bearing on this precious relationship called marriage.

II. SUNDAY SCHOOL OR SMALL GROUP MINISTRY. Sadly, Sunday School has fallen on hard times in recent years. But where it is still carried on seriously, it provides remarkable opportunity to bring home to young and old alike the same timeless truths mentioned above locked into the sacred Scriptures. Due to the more informal, relational nature of these ministries, in a Sunday School class or small group, truth can be delivered in bite-sized chunks, reinforced by dialogue, and released into person’s lives by spoken commitment.

Consider key Bible passages that are able to shape the understanding of young and old alike. The story of Adam and Eve -– always the starting point — shows what God intended marriage to be at the time of Creation (Gen. 2). The search made by Abraham’s steward for a wife for Isaac was at every point God-guided (Gen.24). In the Proverbs there are the warnings to the young against sexual promiscuity (Prov. 7, etc.). On the other hand, there is the beauty of physical love under the right circumstances set forth in the Song of Songs.

And in the Gospels we have the sobering words of Jesus about divorce (Matt. 5:31, 32; 19:3-12; Mark 10:2-12: Luke 16:18). Epistles give us laws for the Christian family (Eph. 5:21-6:4). And in various other places in the Bible, marriage seems the ever-present metaphor to show us God’s covenant love for his people.

The pulpit and the Sunday School or small group – what a strong alliance for the shaping of a congregation’s views and practices relative to the institution of marriage! What a wonderful provision for the union of preaching and teaching! These are two good starting places for war against the destructive forces that attempt to plant shallow or erroneous views about marriage in the minds even of believers every day in our world.

If troubled partners from three dissolving marriages should seek my prayers in one week, retired as I am, this is enough to awaken my prayers afresh for churches everywhere to mobilize their spiritual resources in the realm of marriage and family.

Later this week I will continue my thoughts on this crucial subject. Please check in again on Thursday. And feel free to add your comments or questions to this posting.

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